Third time's the charm
by honeyandvodka
Summary: Twice married, twice divorced, and he's finally in the relationship he wants to be in, the one that counts. Four years of "never gonna happen land" had turned into something amazing and unexpected overnight. Castle wasn't kidding when he told Kate to look at his life, because his dreams do come true. But his nightmares have also become a reality this year. A Pre-S6 multi-chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**The best thing to give a woman is something she said she wanted when she didn't think you were listening.**

* * *

For so long, Kate had been an idea. A theory. An abstract possibility, someone who wasn't grounded in reality. He thinks, though, that she'd had him from the first. The sway of her hips, the allure of the dare in her throwaway line. "_You have no idea._"

He had _wanted_ her from the start, and gradually that want had turned into something more. A tentative friendship. A partnership. Love. What he _doesn't_ quite know is how they got here; no matter how invested he was in the story, he was more invested in her. And thus, more distracted.

He's lost some confidence over the years. It's funny, he thinks. He looks at Kate, and she's a different person to the one he nearly scared off over his fan mail all those years ago. There's a depth to her that he hadn't imagined, even back then when he'd tried to get a read on her. But he's a different person too, and as far as he's concerned, that's where the problem lies.

She's become braver by the year. "_I'm not going to be the kind of person that I want to be until I put this thing to rest,_" she'd said. She's put in the time, done the hours in therapy. Castle, on the other hand, feels himself becoming less self assured, less able to express himself outside his books. He's more and more afraid that Ricky Rodgers is looming in the rear view mirror.

For so long he'd let himself believe his own press. Only his family could really reel him in; the hours spent within the walls of the loft, playing laser tag and hanging out with Alexis, had always been demonstrative of the man he wanted to be, deep down. His mother wasn't entirely wrong in her long acquired habit of reading him the worst reviews; she'd taken her role in bringing him back down to earth seriously. Looking back, he had to admit that while he questioned her method, he could see her point.

Time spent with Beckett, with the rest of the team at the Twelfth, had chipped away at that facade and the last of whatever bravado and bluster he used to have; his self admiration was long gone, and with it the last of his confidence, exploded as surely as if the bomb had gone off that day in the apartment with Kate.

It has been both the best and worst year of his life, he reflects. Twice married, twice divorced, and he's finally in the relationship he wants to be in, the one that counts. Four years of "never gonna happen land" had turned into something amazing and unexpected overnight.

Castle wasn't kidding when he told Kate to look at his life, because his dreams _do_ come true.

But his nightmares have also become a reality this year.

Castle had lost Alexis in a department store for a mere half hour when she was a kid, and up until this year he'd thought that was as bad as his personal tragedy was ever going to get. In spite of the horror that he sees every day, the horror that he writes, he'd thought he was immune.

Not true.

His daughter had been kidnapped. He may have met his father, but the price of getting to know his father had been too high; he'd believed his daughter was dead or dying. Knowing that his father had willfully chosen his duty to his job, rather than his family, still stings a little too. Oh, he _gets_ it. After all, he couldn't be with Beckett without understanding how seriously she takes her job. Likewise, he understands his father's choice on an intellectual level. But Castle's not known for his rationality and his less logical side covets the childhood he never had.

Rick also has a pessimistic streak, and there's a part of him that figures their luck has to end at some point. In this year's battle between bliss and pain he knows something has gotten lost along the way; he just doesn't know what. An innocence, perhaps? A world in which, among other things, Kate _doesn't_ know the lengths he'll go to in order to try and keep the people he loves safe.

He's not proud of torturing that guy when Alexis was taken. Far from it. But he knows that he'd do it again, as surely as he would have let Bracken die, had he been the one to crack that case.

Kate had spent hours frozen in place on that bomb, and he'd stood with her as long as he could. He still doesn't know what it was that had made him stay, let him leave, and then made him return, sans vest but with coffee in hand. The belief, maybe, that if he could go rogue and get his daughter back from Paris, he could remain stoically by Kate's side and keep her safe.

He's not under any illusion; in spite of his overwhelming fear and negativity, he has grown this year. The threats they've faced have changed him. So many times, though, especially lately, he's been tempted to cut and run.

But he is yet to figure out a way to run from himself, from his own demons and doubt. In any case, running without Kate? Not an option. "_Let me take you someplace, Kate. Someplace you'll be safe_," he'd offered back in May, without knowing how many times he would wish they had both gone. Anywhere.

Unbidden, the memory of one of their cases surfaces- someone else who they'd figured had been planning on taking off, until they'd realized. He wasn't running away.

* * *

"He wasn't running away. He was going to propose." Castle had beamed. He'd worked it out. He'd held the ring out to Beckett, and she'd taken it from him; their eyes locking for a moment longer than was comfortable. The surprise on her face had amused him. Maybe that was how- No. He'd stopped himself, scoffing at the idea. He wasn't going to propose; never again. Not to Beckett, not to anyone. Not even in jest.

"I swear," his mother had said later. "Men act as though there's some cosmic reward for crazy proposals. And what a woman really wants is a man down on one knee, tears in his eyes, ring in his hand."

"My proposal to Gina was very romantic," Castle had defended, but his heart hadn't been in it. Defending any part of his relationship with Gina was a path he didn't need to go down.

"A balloon ride is lovely, but not in February," Martha had countered, and he'd nodded.

"Her hand was shaking so much from the cold, it was difficult getting that ring on," he'd agreed. His mother had tilted her head in agreement, and he'd shrugged. He never wanted to get married again.

* * *

He's never held back like this before, but the risk has never been this great before. But his mother is right. Castle groans. She's so very right. His mother, who typically breezes in and out of the loft, has paused mid flight, only to take the time to dispense her own personal brand of wisdom. Martha has seen something in him, but in Kate too, that he's been too shortsighted to see.

He's deathly afraid, but there's nothing to be afraid of, not really. Not knowing would be worse, but he _does_ know. In spite of their fight, in spite of their appalling lack of communication in the last few weeks, Beckett loves him. She loves him.

Castle thinks he's spent so long loving Kate that he's never stopped to give proper recognition to the fact she loves him back. He's been telling himself that he's treading gently, that he's testing the waters, and he's failed to recognize that he's not just a boyfriend. No, deep down he knows. He's her partner, in every sense of the word, the person with whom she is diving into life.

He answers his phone on the first ring; in spite of that, he's almost reluctant to speak to her. He needs more time. He needs to get himself together; maybe rehearse a little. The revelations haven't come easy and he doesn't know how he's going to get the words out. He takes a deep breath when she suggests the park, agreeing. He doesn't have to ask which park.

He grabs his jacket and strides back into his office. Or, as he likes to think of it, his Batcave. He remembers the first time she'd appeared on his doorstep, ready to work theory away from the precinct. He steps behind his desk, opening the unlocked top drawer and reaching in and closing his hand over the small black box. He's had the ring there for the last couple of months, had moved it from the safe after Valentine's Day. He'd wanted to be able to look at it, and he thinks he'd somehow hoped Beckett would find it on her own. He snorts, now, at his own stupidity.

He opens the box once more, runs the tip of his index finger across the inside of the platinum band, and he takes a deep breath. He smiles. He's done dragging his heels. He's ready for this, and he thinks she is too.

* * *

**A/N: So very many thanks to both Trish and Kylie for whipping this into shape. Above. And beyond. Seriously. They apparently appointed themselves official ass kickers, cheerleaders and betas, and I couldn't be happier! **

**If you're reading "Falling is like this", I can assure you it's anything but forgotten, but I'm eager to get this done before Season Six commences! Not long to wait now!**


	2. Chapter 2

Castle doesn't have a fixed plan. He's done a little internet research so he knows where he wants to buy the ring. The store he's chosen is discreet and exclusive, but he doesn't know exactly what he's looking for in an engagement band. He's figuring on a solitaire, brilliant cut, perhaps, because he likes the idea of a classic piece, but he's certainly not wed to anything in particular.

He does know he doesn't want to spend too long on this; not because it's not worth every second to get it right, but because he's done this before, and he knows it's a minefield. If he over thinks cut, color and clarity he'll spend months on this. No, he thinks, the more determined he is to follow his heart, the better.

He's a little apprehensive for other reasons though. Kate had told him she wanted jewelry for her birthday, but after they'd viewed the footage of his double purchasing a necklace for Tessa, she'd given him a horrified look.

"That hint about my birthday?" she'd asked, in a small voice, as they'd driven from the library to the casting agency, and he'd nodded from beneath his hat.

"Uh- yeah?" He hadn't known what she was talking about at first.

"Don't- don't buy me jewelry for my birthday, Castle," she'd almost choked, and he'd put his hand on her leg. She'd changed gears almost angrily, and he'd glanced up at her in surprise as her leg jerked, releasing the clutch too soon. Tears were forming in the corner of her eyes, and he'd brushed her arm.

"Hey," he'd said, low and soothing. "Hey."

She'd shaken him off, shaken her head, steeled herself with a deep breath. "I'm fine," she'd told him, and he'd known she was trying to convince herself more than him.

"I won't, okay?" he'd promised. "No jewelry. "Oh!" he'd added, trying to add some levity. "Do you want a pony?"

Kate had sniffled and suppressed a giggle as she'd pulled up at their destination. He'd smiled back, taking her hand and pressing a kiss to her palm before pulling his sunglasses on.

* * *

Castle almost laughs at how easy it is, in the end. After seeing his double on the film he had agreed with Kate, and he'd thought setting foot in a jewelery store would be challenging. He'd agonized over it for a week since he first had the idea of proposing. Well, he reminds himself. Not quite since he had _first_ the idea. But it's been a week since he'd _really_ started planning this, a week since he started googling for jewelry stores in Manhattan. He would have come sooner, but today's the first day since Tyson plunged off the bridge that he's managed to score a couple of hours to himself with neither Kate, nor his mother or daughter, in tow.

So when he steps into the store from the busy street, cars roaring past, pedestrians shouting, it's like the world slips away, but it's not fear that's consuming him. It's a kind of peace. He's overwhelmed, but he's overwhelmed by what he's doing, not by what Tyson did. He smiles and nods at the sales assistant in greeting, but doesn't approach her, not yet. He's going to take a moment to appreciate the gravity of what he's doing. He hears the tinkle of the bell as the door closes behind him. His feet sink into the plush rug on the hardwood floor, and the lighting amplifies the twinkling of the jewelry pieces inside the glass cases; a normal sunny day is transformed into a magical wonderland.

He shakes his head, laughing at himself as he takes in the trays and trays of rings. The choice is incredible. Tyson had tried to take so much away from him. Images flash through his mind; Kate cuffing him, Kate throwing herself into his arms at the library. Kate believing him. Her faith in them and their relationship has him spellbound, and as he peeks into each of the glass cases, mentally making a shortlist, he's stunned by how easy it might all be.

He eventually waves the sales assistant over. "My name's Julie," she introduces herself with a beam, and he smiles back.

"Rick," he replies, extending a hand. He points out three of the rings that have struck him, and she pulls them out of the cases, letting them tumble gently from her hand onto the soft velvet mat she's places on the counter. He's content to just look for a moment as the light plays through the diamonds. He had pointed out two solitaires; one brilliant cut, the other princess, but he dismisses them almost at once; he likes them, but while they sit tall and proud, he can't quite see Kate pulling a gun on a suspect while she's wearing one of these.

His gaze falls on the third ring; really, he's known from the moment he laid eyes on it that this was the one. It's large, but not ostentatious, he thinks. He'd had a few ideas about what he wanted, but until now, he hadn't known if he'd be able to find something that met all of his requirements. He wants something that's eye catching, but with a subtlety that's classy. He smiles, turning it in the light and watches the patterns it creates in the sunlight that's streaming through the window. He has no doubt this is perfect for Beckett; a center stone surrounded by smaller diamonds. He slides it onto the end of his pinky experimentally; it's going to sit flush against Kate's finger, rather than getting caught on everything. It's stunning.

"This one," he tells Julie, clearing his throat a little. He doesn't know why he's almost surprised by the emotion that rolls over him, as he pictures Kate wearing his ring.

Julie smiles at him. "You're sure?" she asks. She sounds surprised, and he grins.

"Bet most people take a lot longer, don't they?" he asks, and she nods.

"Mmm-hmm," she agrees. "Most people want to look at dozens. You don't want to see any more?"

He shrugs. He's been married before and both times choosing a ring was hard; he's done it both ways too. He had surprised Meredith a couple of weeks after she told him she was pregnant, but he and Gina had gone ring shopping together. Like everything else in their relationship it had had the air of a business deal rather than a milestone. This time, it's all new. And he wants it to be right; this feels right, so he's going to go with it.

* * *

Castle had laughed to himself. He might not be very good at _staying_ married, but he no one had turned his proposals down yet. And, oh, look, he thought. He was making jokes about it. Jokes to himself in his own head, sure, but jokes nonetheless. "No, no, look. You can't just ask. You gotta make a statement, it's gotta be big," he'd instructed Ryan. "Helicopter ride?"

"Actually most girls prefer something a little more intimate."

Castle had frowned. He hadn't even seen Beckett there. He'd held the ring out to her to demonstrate. "What, so he's just supposed to be boring and ask, 'Will you marry me?'" The look she'd given him was one of confusion, but it had only taken a moment before she'd smiled softly and her eyes had twinkled with amusement. Her eyes. Castle had gulped; he'd been staring into Kate's green eyes for just a moment too long, and he'd looked away in relief as Ryan had taken the ring back. "And helicopter rides are intimate," he'd finished lamely.

"Yeah, sure, if you want to share the most romantic moment of your life with Reggie the chopper pilot." She had rolled her eyes and walked away, leaving Castle shaking his head.

"Helicopter ride," he'd mouthed to Ryan, scowling. What did Beckett know, anyway. _She'd_ never been married, _he_ was the one who had proposed; twice; and neither Meredith or Gina had complained about the proposal.

Later, he'd seen the tears streaming down Beckett's face as they had both agreed; the proposal was big, and it was intimate. Just right, in fact. That was how he was going to do it, he'd promised himself, if there ever was a next time. Although, unlike Ryan, he hoped he wouldn't be proposing on the tail end of a huge fight. Still, he'd figured, crowding in with Beckett and Esposito, clapping Ryan on the back and letting Beckett lean in and embrace Jenny, it had all worked out perfectly.

* * *

"When are you going to propose?" Julie asks, and his eyes widen. Oh. He hasn't really thought that part through. Not in a helicopter above Manhattan, that's for sure.

He shrugs and grins. "I don't know. Maybe Christmas. Maybe New Year's Eve. I haven't planned that part," he concedes. "Something big, and intimate," he tells her.

She smiles, reaching for the paperwork. "Big, and intimate, huh?"

He nods, pulling his wallet from his pocket and extracting a credit card, handing it over with a lightness in his heart.

He's practically bouncing as he walks out of the store, the door chiming behind him. That wasn't challenging, it wasn't torturous. It wasn't a flashback to Tyson stealing his identity, trying to steal his life. The ring box is a solid weight in his pocket, and he wraps his hand around it, smiling as he makes his way down the street. No, making his way into a jewelry store and purchasing an engagement ring? That was liberating.

* * *

**A/N: And once again, my many thanks go to Trish and Kylie. And the reviewers, followers and favoriters: thank you. x **


	3. Chapter 3

She's a fangirl. An honest to goodness fangirl. He knows she likes comics, has known for a while that she can reel off opinions on pop culture like there's no tomorrow, but this? No. This is blowing his mind.

He's loved this entire case. Almost all of it, anyway. Maybe not the bit where Kate had basically told him she wouldn't be attracted to him if he was bald. (He knows she's exaggerating.) Or the part where Kate didn't take his concerns seriously, and suggested that he might end up blue, like Dr. Manhattan. (Although, it's kind of flattering that she'd base her suggestion on his eye color.) Or the part where the laser blaster probably rendered him infertile. Not that Kate seemed to care, (and that kind of stings). After all, if he was going to have more children, they would obviously be with her. He sighs. Maybe it's not that obvious to Kate. Maybe she doesn't want children at all, or maybe she doesn't want his children. It's not like they've discussed these things. Okay. Fine. Maybe he hasn't loved this _entire_ case; in fact, now that he re-evaluates the whole thing, he thinks he might just hate this case.

He'd watched her eyes light up as they had walked onto the set at Supernova Con for the first time. Castle thinks it's cool, because, well, it's a _space ship_, and when is a space ship anything but cool? But Kate- well, Kate thinks it's _mega_-cool. Because she's a mega-fan. He's almost completely impressed, until he realizes what this means. She's a mega-fan, all right, but she's a mega-fan of _Nebula 9_. Not cool. Not mega. Not anything. A lame, canceled, crappy show with a nauseating fan-base who just can't let go. He'd rolled his eyes and scoffed.

"I like _good_ sci-fi," he reminds her, and she glowers at him. Well. Pissing Beckett off has always been one of his favorite past times, and there's no reason he should change his M.O. now, just because they're in a relationship. He shrugs. After all, if she liked something good- Battlestar, perhaps? He would be more than on board with a little cos-play. Beckett could totally pull off a brunette Caprica Six…

Castle daydreams for a moment before he catches his own pun and chuckles. On board. Right. On board a spaceship. He lets his mind wander again, looking around and taking in the impressive surroundings. Regardless of the show, he's happy to admit that the _Nebula 9 _set at Supernova Con is actually mega-cool and he beams at Kate. After all, she's talking about her sexy _Nebula 9 _dreams; this is no time to sulk.

"You're right, okay? It was a stupid show. It was cheesy and melodramatic… But Castle, I also understand why people loved it… It was about leaving home for the first time. About searching for your identity and making a difference. I loved dressing up like Lieutenant Chloe. She didn't care what anybody thought about her. And I kinda did, at that time. I mean, she was a scientist and a warrior and that was all in spite of the way she looked. It was like I could be anything and I didn't have to choose." Her eyes find his, and he can tell she's searching, trying to see if she's gotten through. "So don't make fun, okay?" she finishes, and he nods.

Wow. He doesn't hate this case, now that he thinks about it. In fact, he kind of loves this case. And, if it's possible, he thinks he just fell in love with Kate Beckett a little bit more, too. They're the same, he realizes. Their passions, their inner geeks, held below the surface most of the time. They're perfect for each other, and he grins, thinking of how much things had changed.

* * *

He'd had an idea. "Alright. So, you and I are married."

"We are not married," Beckett had snapped back, so fast he'd thought he'd gotten whiplash just from the tone in her voice.

Castle had chuckled. "Relax. It's just pretend."

"I don't want to pretend," she'd retorted with a glare.

He'd been taken aback, but he'd had a comeback ready, complete with a smirk, just a moment later. "Scared you'll like it?"

Her eyes had narrowed. "Okay. If we're married, I want a divorce."

A divorce? He'd been ready to snark back, but they had been interrupted. "Are you two like this all the time?"

He'd shaken his head and they had replied in unison. "Yes."

Divorce. No. Absolutely not. He'd shuddered as they'd worked their way around the apartment, building theory. He'd been divorced twice, and even in jest he doesn't want a third failed marriage. He'd shrugged, and chuckled to himself as they had made their way into the kitchen, and he had winced at how ready Beckett was to threaten him with the pot she'd picked up.

She'd still been holding it as they'd slammed the bathroom door shut on the tenant and he'd grinned, amused by how easily she fell into their repartee in spite of herself. The banter, the theory, and the flirtation? All kinds of hot.

* * *

Kate has a wicked sense of humor. Castle loves that about her; he wants the world to see it. Then again, he kind of likes that it's just for him. He loves that her idea of cos-play had started with her scaring the crap out of him before she had changed into a less terrifying outfit. A much sexier outfit. With a lot less creaver.

And he loves that after they had laughed, and made love, and he'd thought they'd settled for the evening, she'd tugged at his hand. "Ready?" she'd asked.

"For round two? Always," he'd mumbled. "But… give me a minute, okay?"

She'd laughed. "No, Castle." Her eyes had darkened as she'd considered. "Well… maybe." She'd smirked at him and pushed the covers off. "But I meant for our _Nebula 9_ marathon."

He'd tried glaring at her, but she wasn't having any of it. She'd shrugged into the set of her pajamas that were in his closet, and thrown his robe at him. "Put this on. I'm going to set up the projector."

Castle had done so, obediently following her out into the study, and settling next to her on the sofa. He'd groaned when the opening bars of the theme song had started, and she'd slapped at him playfully.

"You promised," she'd reminded him, leaning her head against his shoulder and entwining her fingers with his.

He'd pressed a kiss onto the top of her head, smiling in spite of himself. He _had_ promised, and he had every intention of sticking to his word. He'd laughed as an idea had occurred to him. "Oh! You know how you can pay me back, Beckett?"

Kate had looked at him wryly. "Castle," she'd said with narrowed eyes. "I don't have to _pay you back_- I already dressed up as Lieutenant Chloe.

He'd waved that away with a chuckle. "Yeah, I know. But, no, I was just thinking- it's nearly Christmas- and we could have another marathon. A good one! Christmas movies! Oh- and it could be a lot more PG-13 than the whole experience tonight." He'd wiggled his eyebrows at her and she'd rolled her eyes. "We could make Alexis come home from college for it?"

Kate had nodded. "Maybe, Castle," she'd agreed, and she'd bitten her lip before turning back to the screen. "Now- just watch. This scene's really important. It gives us a glimpse into Lieutenant Chloe's background and that's important later."

* * *

Now, Kate's at her desk processing the paperwork from their latest case, as he stares at her and thinks about the last week. _Nebula 9_'s theme song has been imprinted in his brain but it had been worth it. Besides, right now Esposito's singing is doing a good job of distracting him.

Kate's been catching his eye and grinning at him gleefully for the last half hour. At first he'd figured it was because the editing guy had helped them out of their fix, with Gates was none the wiser. She had been so tense when they'd been hauled into Gates' office, and he's happy to see she's much more relaxed now.

Now, he's wondering though. Buck and Keith show no signs of leaving, and Esposito's commandeered the guitar and is showing no signs of relinquishing it. "_What_?" Castle mouths at Kate, because seriously, they've all gone to karaoke together before and as unusual as a bullpen sing-along is, he doesn't think Beckett's that into Espo's singing. Plus, with the camera man here, he's surprised that she's being as openly friendly as she is.

Huh. The camera man. Where is he? Because now that he thinks about it, he hasn't seen the guy since Espo started crooning. He looks over at Kate again, suspicious. Her head is down and she's concentrating on her paperwork now, the picture of virtue. Castle takes a long look around the room; he's suddenly sure that Kate's got something to do with the fact they're no longer being watched through a lens. He taps his pen up and down against the corner of the desk, trying to work out what had happened. Kate looks up from her screen, catching his eye. She looks pointedly at his pen tapping, and purses her lips in irritation.

"Where'd he go?" he whispers.

She looks at him with wide eyes that are just a little too innocent. "Who?" she asks, standing hastily and taking the eraser to clear the rest of the murder board in a futile attempt to allay his suspicions. A smile plays at the corner of her lips, though, and he stares her down until she turns and catches his eye.

"Ask me no questions," she whispers back, finally, and he grins. He doesn't think he could love her more.

* * *

**Thank you, Trish and Kylie. And thank you all for reading. x**


	4. Chapter 4

"Did she say yes?" Julie's smiling at him as he approaches, and he smiles back wryly.

"You remember me, huh? Well, I haven't asked her yet," he admits.

"Oh." The surprise is apparent in her voice, but she pulls herself together and her warm smile is nothing but professional. "In that case, what can I do for you today, Mr Castle?"

"Earrings," he tells her. "For Valentine's Day." He finds himself wanting to explain, even though it's unnecessary. "She said no gifts for Christmas, and I- well- I took that at face value." He shrugs. He hasn't really stopped berating himself for that little slip.

He'd decided to listen to her and forgo gifts; he'd taken her revelation at Christmas to mean she wasn't ready for any of what the holiday entailed. Castle had thought the last thing she'd be ready for was an engagement ring. Then, when she'd shown up at his door, he'd realized how much of a mistake he had made, but it was too late.

The smile on Julie's face turns chiding and he flinches.

"I know, I know." He holds his hand up stop her from berating him, and continues. "By the time it was New Year's Eve- I don't know. It all felt a little much." Plus, they'd ended up at a party the mayor had invited them to, and while he knew Captain Gates wouldn't be there, there were a few too many people who knew the woman.

They'd ended up keeping a low profile, but the dancing had been sadly minimal, and the kissing had been non-existent. By the time they'd made it to the end of the night it was all he could do to persuade Kate to come back to his place. In short, it had been a miserable excuse for a New Year's Eve and he had vowed to decline Bob's invitation next year.

"And now? For Valentine's Day?" Julie urges, and he shrugs. "Don't get me wrong," she smiles, "I'm happy if you want to buy something else. I'm just curious."

"A ring on Valentine's Day... it's too clichéd," he tells her. He doesn't tell her that he'd proposed to his ex-wife on a Valentine's Day years ago, but it is at the back of his mind. Of course, he'd proposed with the very ring Gina had picked out the month before, but the fact remains; much as he loves Valentine's Day, he's not going to pop the question to Kate at this time of year. Soon, though. "So... earrings, I think."

Julie nods, and leads him over to the display. He admires the rubies, and considers emerald for a moment. With her green eyes, Kate would look stunning in those. But his eyes fall on another pair in the next case over, and he points. "Can I look at those, please?"

"Great choice," she tells him. "Diamond and sapphire- they're spectacular."

"They are," he agrees, running his fingertips over the sparkling stones. "They really are."

* * *

He can't believe how quickly it all went sour. Beauty, passion, and fierce intellect? He'd like to believe that Gates is still in the dark about their relationship, but he just can't convince himself. No, the best thing to do is keep a low profile and hope this failure is not just another in a long line of mistakes.

"I have to go home first," he tells Kate when he comes out of Gates' office. "But I'll pick you up and we can go out to dinner like we planned, okay?"

His girlfriend nods. "Probably best if we leave separately, anyway," she agrees.

After disciplining Castle the Captain had brushed past him and made a beeline for the elevator with barely a cursory nod to Beckett. Castle chances a brush of his hand against Kate's, and she smiles ruefully, casting a glance at Gates' darkened office before sighing and withdrawing her own hand. He wants to kiss her; he always wants to kiss her; but even with Gates gone, they're still in the precinct, so he restrains himself, sighing heavily.

"I'll see you at eight, then?" she confirms, a hesitancy to her voice, and Castle nods.

"Absolutely."

* * *

He'd kind of panicked. He'd been cornered, and he'd hated it. Master of the macabre. Sure. Gina could turn it on in front of the camera, but when the spotlight was off, she was a hellcat. And not in a good way, he'd thought, flinching. "Try me. Just try me," she'd threatened, turning away, and he'd winced. Fine. If that was how she wanted to play.

He hadn't wanted to think about the fact he well and truly owed Black Pawn a book, which would cause him to break his contract with them any day now if he couldn't find a way to sit at his desk and put words down.

"You know I already returned that advance; I spent it divorcing you!" he'd called after her. It was in jest, but it also wasn't. He had grimaced, remembering how things used to be. He and Gina… well, they probably never should have gotten married. Publisher turned friend, turned friend with benefits. From friend with benefits to girlfriend, then wife. And now ex-wife. It hadn't taken long for the benefits to be well and truly questionable, and now… he hadn't wanted to think about that, either.

He'd been separated for over a year and the divorce was only just final. He'd been trying to find his feet as a single father again, had begun to mentally adjust to the fact he and Alexis were on their own again. However, he hadn't had much time to get used to it. In the time since his ex-wife had moved out of his loft, he and Alexis had had exactly one month to try and find their equilibrium before his mother had turned up one day and moved in unannounced.

He'd cast his eyes around the room, looking for an escape. He'd seen Paula and shaken his head slightly; he'd rather avoid his publicist right now as well. Finally his gaze had fallen on the one young woman who was guaranteed to bring a smile to his face; his daughter. He'd relaxed at last, and made a beeline for her.

* * *

Castle walks part of the way home. It's a long trudge through the last of the winter slush and he sticks his hand out for a cab when he realizes that he's stepped in a puddle and water is seeping into shoes that weren't designed with this kind weather in mind. The threatening rain lacks the romance of snow; the short winter days are no longer the promise of early evenings snuggling in bed.

Castle leans his head against the window of the cab he's hailed. He just wants to clear his head, take a moment. The offending earrings are back in his jacket pocket, an uncomfortable weight pressing against his chest and he takes the box out and studies the earrings, earning himself a grin from the cab driver. "Valentine's Day, yes?" the man asks and he frowns, grateful when the driver pulls up in front of his place without another word.

He can't exactly give them to Beckett now; at least not as her Valentine's Day gift. They're sullied; he's got a bad taste in his mouth. She's been worked up all day about Gates finding out them. Things had been going so well since Christmas, his ex-wife's impromptu visit aside and it feels like that's all meaningless now.

He opens the door to the loft wearily, blinking with surprise when he sees Alexis pouring herself a tumbler full of orange juice from the fridge. Her knapsack has been thrown haphazardly at the bottom of the stairs. She turns when she hears the door click closed behind him, beaming. "Dad! What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he tells her, pulling off his sodden shoes. He heads into his bedroom to change his socks and find a new pair of shoes, before walking back to the kitchen and leaning in to kiss his daughter.

She smiles guiltily. "Oh- well- the dress I wanted to wear tonight was here. And anyway, getting ready in the dorm is such a pain," Alexis tells him with a laugh. "Growing up as an only child didn't prepare me for sharing a bathroom with twenty girls on my floor on Valentine's Day."

Castle chuckles and tosses the offending jewelry box onto the counter before reaching for the open bottle of wine in the pantry.

Alexis' face falls. "You didn't give them to her?" She waves her hand in what he figures is meant to be a ninja move, and he grins wryly.

"No, I did." He sighs. "Except I didn't."

Alexis glances at her watch before pulling out one of the chairs from under the counter. "I have plenty of time, so spill," she instructs, and Castle smiles wryly, pouring himself a glass of wine before leaning on the counter across from her.

"I- the earrings may have fallen into the hands of Captain Gates," he tells Alexis solemnly, and as she wrinkles her nose, he's oddly encouraged. This is just a blip on the radar. He can still give the earrings to Kate; she just won't be able to wear them in front of Gates. That shouldn't be a problem; it's not like they're exactly appropriate for a homicide detective. And he'll get her another gift. Maybe something she can wear on the job.

"So, what now?" Alexis asks.

"Well, I'm going over there now," he tells her. "And I'll get her something else for Valentine's Day." He shrugs, and a sly smile forms on Alexis' face.

"You could always get her a ring," she tells him with a wink, and he chokes on his wine for a second.

"I-" He sighs, resigned to it. "Come with me." He puts the wine glass on the counter beside the earrings, and beckons Alexis into his office. He opens the safe, pulling out the small ring box that's nestled safely amongst paperwork and a stack of emergency cash. He locks the safe again and hands his daughter the box. "I- I'm waiting." He grins at her. "But I'm ready."

Alexis is speechless for a moment as she opens the box and stares at the exclusive piece. "Wow." She meets her father's eyes. "Dad- wow."

He grins, snapping the box shut and pushing it into the back of an unlocked desk drawer behind his passport. "Yeah," he agrees. "Soon. But not today."

Alexis nods, her eyes wide. "No," she agrees. "Not after the day you two have had."

"On that note," he says, sauntering back to the living room. "I'm going to go pick Kate up, hopefully make amends for today, and enjoy the rest of Valentine's Day." He smirks at Alexis, who makes a face and he chuckles. Ten minutes with Alexis has seriously put him in a better frame of mind. He squeezes her in an awkward one handed hug as he reaches for the jacket he's slung over the chair, ready to leave again.

"Bye," Alexis waves after him, and Castle winks at her. He grabs the earring box from the counter, pushing it back into the coat pocket with a wry smile and heads back out. Gates be damned, it's Valentine's Day, and he's still waiting to find out what Kate got for him.

* * *

**A/N: Trish and Kylie. You're the bestest betas! Mwah. And I didn't get to answering reviews last chapter, but I certainly appreciated them! x  
**


	5. Chapter 5

Castle had seen the shock on Kate's face after he'd exited the bedroom at the apartment where they had found Stevens. He had closed the door on the screams he'd caused and she'd been truly stunned. If anything had cemented his resolution to go alone to Paris, that was it. He doesn't want Kate to see that side of him. Not now. Not ever.

He hadn't even known what he was going to do to get Alexis back until the phone was in his unsteady hand, pressed up against his ear; he'd organized a plane, grabbed some cash and their passports, knowing he wouldn't return without his daughter.

"I'm going back to the precinct," he'd told his mother, and kissed her on the cheek. "Beckett needs me. And I can't do what I need to do, here." The last part hadn't been a lie. He'd taken the stairs down to the first floor; waiting for the elevator had seemed an impossible feat. He'd hailed a cab and asked the driver to take him to JFK, more bravado in his voice than he felt, but he'd managed to hold the tears back until after take-off.

Now, he's in the charter jet, jiggling his leg up and down, and praying that the pilot will fly them there as quickly as possible. It should be just over six hours to Paris. To his baby. He thinks about what he'd told Kate; from the moment the doctors had handed him Alexis, he'd loved her; more than life itself.

And yet, he might lose her. He might have already lost her. Had it really been just last week he'd shown Alexis the ring? The ring he was going to present to Kate? That had been the last time they'd spoken; was his last moment with his daughter really going to be a ten minute conversation as she'd sat at the kitchen counter drinking a glass of orange juice?

Castle flips his cell phone over and over in his fingers. It's in flight mode and he keeps pressing the home button, unlocking the screen, and then switching it back off. He wishes Kate was beside him, but he can't drag her further into this.

He's been breaking protocol since day one of their unorthodox pairing, but there's no need for her to fall with him; if this all hits the fan he wants her to be able to keep her career. And, if it comes to it, her life.

Anyway, he doesn't know exactly what he's going to do in Paris, but he knows where he's going to start. This is anything but safe.

Not to mention his mother. He hates lying to her; she loves his daughter as much as he does. His mother- Shit! Forget his mother- what about _Alexis'_ mother? He snorts softly. Alexis has been kidnapped, and this is the first time he's even thought about Meredith. He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. Meredith loves their daughter too, she always has. Just- and it had taken a long time for him to forgive Meredith for this- just not like a mother should.

He sighs, wishing he'd thought to bring sleeping tablets with him, although he's so wired he doesn't know how effective they would be.

He and Meredith had crashed and burned so spectacularly. For years he'd placed the fault solely on her cheating shoulders. He'd gained some perspective over the years. Now he can look back at the nightmare that was their relationship without blame. They were doomed from the start; between his own ego, his need to be the perfect father, and portraying the playboy role to boost sales for Black Pawn. Combined with Meredith's self-absorption and impatience, it hadn't been a winning combination. He certainly hadn't had the capacity to be anything near the kind of husband he'd wanted to be.

The idea of marrying Beckett is suddenly frightening. There's so much of himself he doesn't want her to see. He's also overwhelmed with image upon image of all the ways she might say no. After all, she knows what he did to Stevens, the lengths he'll go to for the people he loves. But is that too much for her? Can she love him, knowing what he's capable of?

And if she says yes… there is no end to the ways they could destroy one another, if she were to say yes. After all, Kate had been so single minded about going after her mother's killer for years; has she really put that behind her? Were either of them really ready to put away their fears, and be the people they needed to be, for one another?

* * *

"We have had fun, haven't we?"

He'd still been catching his breath, but he couldn't disagree with a statement like that. "Oh yeah."

"Makes you wonder why we ever got divorced."

"I know, right?" Castle had chuckled to himself. He should never have married Meredith, but he knew that she was completely serious in her own way, even if she did have a tendency to rewrite history in her own head. "I mean, except for you having an affair with your director, moving to Malibu and serving me with divorce papers." It was endearing, really, he'd thought, kissing her again. "I think we really had a chance."

"I'm moving back."

Time had stood very still, and Castle was suddenly trying to catch his breath for a very different reason. Moving back? He'd cast his eyes heavenward, praying all of a sudden. He needed to get out of there. He needed a phone call. A natural disaster. A body drop. Anything.

* * *

Nearly a month after Paris, Castle is still having dreams about it, although he supposes he should rightly call them nightmares. They're always different. Sometimes Alexis is dead in the van when he rushes to the scene, sometimes he watches her life spill from her. Sometimes the cage she's in explodes before he can get her out, and sometimes Jackson is the one who pulls the trigger. It doesn't matter though. Every dream ends the same way; his baby is dead and he wakes up in a cold sweat.

Kate knows he has these dreams, but she doesn't know how often. Sometimes his muffled cries will wake her and she'll insist on turning the soft bedside lamp on, and she'll bring him a glass of water. On one occasion, after a particularly brutal nightmare, she'd offered him a scotch. He'd declined, but she had made him laugh which was just as effective at calming him.

Other times, Castle will wake himself up before she rouses. On those nights he'll press himself close, hold her tight, and pray to a God he doesn't really believe in, until sleep claims him again.

If he's alone, like tonight… He doesn't really want to think about what happens when he's alone. When he's alone it takes all his self-control to restrain himself from calling Alexis. He'd done that once, dialing with shaky fingers before he could stop himself. His daughter had sighed, and told him in future she would turn her phone off overnight.

He sighs; his thoughts are jumbling over and over in his mind, and he's suddenly sick of it all. He's okay. Alexis is okay. For that matter, Beckett's okay. He sits up in bed, forcing himself to reach for the lamp the way Kate would if she was here tonight. He has to admit, it does kind of help, much like the way he would check for monsters for a young Alexis before she went off to sleep.

Castle forces his unsteady limbs out of bed, reaching for the glass of water on his nightstand, before making his way into his office. He flips the lamp on in there too, and a soft glow fills the room. He has no idea what time it is, but the city sounds that make their way through the double glazed windows are as quiet as they ever are, so he puts it at around three in the morning.

He glances at his laptop but shrugs and reaches for his iPad. He fumbles through his desk drawer, pulling the ring box out, and carries both the ring and tablet to the living room, settling himself on the sofa.

What he and Beckett really need is a break; he needs to clear his head before he can write any more _Nikki_, and he knows Kate has a ton of vacation days. They've already talked about going to Bora Bora for his birthday, but he doesn't think he can wait quite that long; Surely they can take a long weekend before that break.

Plus, as amazing as Bora Bora is sure to be, he is a little apprehensive about an island holiday. After all, a vacation with that much time allocated to simply relaxing suddenly sounds like a lot of opportunity to get lost in his own head. Right now that's the last thing he wants, and he brings up his travel agent's website to find some ideas.

He snaps the ring box open and shut as he searches, slowly getting some inspiration. This site mostly caters to a clientele seeking relaxation. He dismisses the idea of a cruise as boring, and bookmarks the page that displays a train tour of the Canadian Rockies. Maybe it's not what he's looking for now, but it would be cool to play at a _Murder on the Orient Express_ scenario one day.

His eyes are growing heavy, but he continues to scroll through the pages. Huh. Skiing. He grins. He hasn't skied for a few years, but he _loves_ it, and he bets Kate will too, if she doesn't already. He shoots off a quick email off to the travel agent and leaves the iPad on the coffee table. Castle pads back into the bedroom, replacing the ring in the drawer as he goes through the office. Aspen it is.

* * *

**Trish and Kylie, thank you, so very much. Readers, favoriters and followers, thank you too. And especially reviewers- you each bring a huge smile to my face!**


	6. Chapter 6

He stumbles out of the building, following Mahoney with a heavy heart.

He can't think. Kate's last "Rick. I love you," echoes in his ears. He's heard it before, of course. He's heard it more than once late at night when she thinks he's asleep. He's seen it too, in the way she looks at him. Of course, that look isn't new to this year. She can claim that he fell for her first as much as she likes, but he's not under any such illusions. Who fell for whom first is irrelevant because he knows what matters; she'd fallen for him long before they'd gotten together.

He wonders exactly when that twinkle in her eyes had appeared. When had spinning wild tangents gone from being annoying to endearing?

He's standing out the front of the apartment building, pulling at the straps his bullet proof vest; he's got to get this thing off. He manages to pull it away from his torso, and takes a deep breath. And inhales the strong scent of coffee. The aroma centers him, brings him back to himself, and he looks around to find the source. There's a uniform about five feet away, drinking from a takeaway cup as though the caffeine is lifeblood, as she messages on her phone. "Huh?" he asks. Mahoney just asked him something.

"You okay?" Mahoney repeats, and Castle narrows his eyes at the man. Really. Okay? Is he okay? He shakes his head, and hands the man his vest, turning away to the Officer holding the coffee.

"Where did you get that?" he asks her, and she looks up.

"The coffee?" she clarifies, looking confused.

"Uh-huh," he nods. He doesn't have much time, and the urgency in his tone seems to surprise him.

She takes a hasty step back, but points across the road. "Coffee shop over there," she says. "It's not bad." She takes another sip and he reads her name badge. Kennedy. He doesn't know her; she's not from the twelfth, but he hopes he'll be able to thank her later.

He runs over, ignoring Mahoney, and orders the coffee; it's not like any of their favorite places and he can't add vanilla. "Creamer. Or black." The woman behind the counter gives him his options, and he can't quite resist teasing.

"Do you have soy?" She glares at him, and he shrugs. "Creamer will be fine," he tells her, shaking his head. Geez. They're in New York; would it hurt to have some decent coffee? He slams a ten on the counter and hightails it out of there with the two takeaway cups in hand. He winks at Kennedy as he dashes past her, crossing the threshold into the building without Mahoney seeing him. He can see out of the corner of his eye that they're starting to clear the rest of the bomb squad teams out. He shakes his head, continues on in; they can clear out if they like, but his partner is in there. He'd been waiting for Kate all that time; he's not going to make her wait alone right now.

* * *

He'd half heard her; he'd hadn't seen her car pull up but a sixth sense had him listening out for her as a car door opened behind him. "On one knee?"

He'd grinned. A dog. He thought he should so get a dog. Alexis was old enough now, she could help him take care of it. "That's a good girl."

"What's up Castle? You proposing?"

Castle had stood up, smiling. "Oh, no. Just waiting for you." The words had tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them and he'd gulped, but she hadn't seemed to think anything of it.

"That's too bad. You two make a cute couple."

"Yeah." He'd grinned. "Hey, you think I should get a dog?"

"What am I, your wife?"

He'd shrugged, a smile on his lips. "Yeah. You're my work wife."

Beckett had frowned. "No, I'm not your work wife." He'd ignored her, and gone back to the subject of the dog, figuring it was safer to keep talking about getting a dog. And helpful, too. After all, maybe he really would get a dog.

Beckett had given him a strange look, dismissing his chatter with a narrowing of her eyes, and he'd chuckled. "Oh, see? Right there. Disapproving, judgmental. You're totally my work wife."

He'd kept talking- blood on the wall, bold statement, but his mind was still a step or two back. Waiting for her? No. Not like that. No. There was nothing to wait for, not like that. After all, he was in a relationship, he'd reminded himself. With your ex-wife, a little voice in his head had chirped up. And that's not going to end well.

He'd shaken his head and turned his mind to the case at hand, to the mystery ahead of them, and shut down that train of thought before he could become too stuck on the idea of Beckett and "wife" in the same sentence. Even if it was a sentence that included work.

* * *

God, he loves this woman. They're free. The air outside the apartment practically assaults his lungs as Castle gulps it in, trying to stop the borderline panic he's experiencing. He's shaking; he still can't quite believe that he had stayed that long in the first place. And that he went back in, no vest, coffee in hand. Still, he thinks, if the bomb had gone off…

His own balance is precarious as Kate practically skips beside him. He'd had solid faith up until the moment that Kate had stepped over that spray painted red line, but they're out of there now, and the "what ifs" are already rolling through his mind.

She's giddy, thanking him for staying. "Always." He actually doesn't know for a second if he said it aloud or not, because the word is throbbing through his veins, his heart pulsing with giddy relief; an erratic beat of equal measure joy and panic.

And… Gates and the boys are there. Perfect timing. Or not. Castle looks up ruefully. Because this hasn't been drummed into his head enough this year. Right. Gates can't know. No one can know. "The NYPD has a strict policy about co-workers… dating," Kate had said. "When we're in public, you're single and I'm single." He sighs, stepping away from her. He misses Montgomery sometimes; he's pretty sure the former precinct Captain would have been their biggest supporter, been on the case for a precinct wedding the moment the two of them had gotten together.

He does wonder though; Gates is the Captain of the precinct, and she's not stupid. Kate's convinced the Captain remains in the dark, but Castle's a little less sure. After all their slip ups- begging Gates to let Kate out of the Christmas shift, leaving Kate's Valentine's gift in her pocket… he sighs. She knows. Surely she knows.

"Glad to see you, Detective. Even you, Mr Castle," the Captain beams, and Castle shrugs, smiling wryly back at her. Well, that was unexpected. Hell, it practically counts as a compliment, as far as Gates is concerned. "I have to say, I don't know too many men who would have done what you did."

"Neither do I," Kate agrees, but she looks away before she can meet his eyes. There's an uncomfortable pause for a moment, and Gates speaks up.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Detective. Just kiss the man."

"Sir, you know?" Kate exclaims, and Castle's torn between letting his jaw drop, and laughing. Of course she knows.

"What? Do you think I'm an idiot? I needed to maintain plausible deniability, which I can continue, as long as you two both act professionally at the precinct." Castle suppresses a laugh at the Captain's indignant exclamation, but he can't resist a quip.

"I know I can, but Captain, she has a long history of coming on to me at work…"

Kate rolls her eyes, and Castle breathes a sigh of relief; it's all going to be okay, they'll re-find their normal. After all, Beckett's eye rolling is legendary, Gates is- apparently- continuing to turn a blind eye, and the boys are quietly ecstatic that he and Kate are both okay. Status quo.

* * *

**Oh Trish and Kylie. Your edits are gold. Thank you. And Ky: coffee disaster averted. x**

**Two more chapters, everyone. And, what, four more days 'til we all get the real thing? Bring it on!**


	7. Chapter 7

Beckett's words curl around him like a promise, her voice in his veins. "_I think we're just getting started_." He smiles back at her, his heart beating out a constant rhythm as he leans into her, intent on kissing her, returning the sentiment. Before his lips meet hers, she startles, pulls away and he sees her features color with confusion, and her eyes fill with horror.

He looks too, not understanding. How? Where? Everything is wrong all of a sudden. They're not safe, no. He's sure someone is dying here, he just can't remember whom. And then there's a fiery explosion, and he's left alone, screaming Kate's name.

Promises and pain; blood in a van -_did she die here_?- and explosions. He sees it all again. Blood, bricks, and body parts. Everything is confused and he doesn't know if Kate or Alexis died in that van. Or, perhaps with a gunshot wound to the chest? A knife to the throat? Or did the explosion actually happen? Did he stay, or did he go? Where is he?

The idea of losing Kate has Castle sitting bolt upright in bed, heart pounding. No, he tells himself. Not an idea. It's not real. Just a dream. He'd thought he'd gotten the dreams under control after the ski trip and his birthday, but apparently tonight they're back with a vengeance.

Kate is asleep beside him, oblivious. She squirms and he struggles again to get himself under control; he doesn't want to wake her. Gradually Castle's breathing slows, and he calms himself, fighting to wake up properly and tear himself from this in-between reality. He curses his writer's imagination; it has always been just as much a burden as a blessing.

The last few weeks had been wonderful. Until Kate had stepped onto that bomb, that is. It has been a little shaky since then. But before that, both the trip to Aspen (unplanned as his injury had been), and Kate's elaborate ruse had truly reset his brain after Alexis had been taken. For a few short weeks, he'd been free of the anxiety that had plagued him since Paris.

He stays awake, staring at the ceiling, and marveling as Kate moves in her sleep. She burrows into the middle of the bed, flinging an arm around him.

The lingering images from his nightmare assault his waking senses once more; he sees again the flash of the bomb, smells burnt flesh and hears Kate's scream and he forces his mind to replace these images with happier memories; 'hunting' Bigfoot last week- he doesn't know what Kate's problem was, he _liked_ his hunting gear; dancing with her- albeit on crutches- at his birthday party; and his favorite- he lingers on the memory of her arriving at his loft unannounced and soaking wet from the storm outside- "_I just want you,"_ she'd said, and he'd pressed her against the door…

With an uneasy peace brokered between the warring factions of his consciousness, Castle eventually falls into a fitful sleep, waking an hour or so later to the sound of the alarm on Kate's phone.

* * *

Kate stretches and snuggles into his side, her hair spilling across his chest. She's cuddly in these early mornings, and it usually makes him smile, to see the bad-ass Detective Beckett so lazy and cat like. If the boys at the precinct could see her now. He usually nestles right back into her and does his best to make her as late to work as possible. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

It must be on her mind this morning, because she grins at him like she has certain expectations, and she runs her hand across his chest, then edges lower, but stops before she reaches the waistband of his pajama pants. "Crap!" she cries, throwing her hand to her mouth. "I have a meeting this morning. With Gates." She grimaces and dislodges herself from him apologetically. "Are you good with meeting me at the precinct a little later than usual?"

"Huh?" A meeting with Gates? He feels a flash of worry, but he's just too tired to get into that now- had she mentioned it? He blinks. He's going to be awful company today. "Mmm. You know what? I might just give it a miss, get some writing done today."

A cloud of concern passes over her features, but then she's leaning over him again, kissing him, and asking, "How are you going with that chapter? Are you going to get it done in time?"

He mentally kicks himself. Great. Now Kate's worried that he's going to miss a deadline. That hadn't been his intention. He shakes his head and nudges her off the bed, trying to be gentle, praying she won't realize that he's very literally pushing her away. "It's fine, Kate," he tells her. "Go shower." He tries for a little levity. "If any Beckett flavored cases come in, call me. I don't want to miss a good one."

Kate runs her fingertips along his hip. "Tonight," she says, and it's a promise that strikes a chord of panic into him; can he be what she needs? She heads into the en suite, leaving him alone with his thoughts of simpler times.

* * *

"You know, I gotta say. I kind of envy him."

Beckett had looked up at him, surprise coloring her face. "Well who knows, Castle? Maybe third time's the charm."

"Yeah. Could be." He'd smiled and offered her his arm. "Shall we?"

The church had been packed, and they'd found seats on Ryan's side, a few people up from Lanie and Esposito and their dates. He'd glanced at them and smirked; the two of them had been doing their best to sneak sideways glances at one another without the other noticing. When were they ever going to work it out? The smile had fallen from his face as another couple had tried to squeeze into their row. He and Kate had shuffled up a little, but there hadn't really been enough room; not to maintain a safe distance anyway. His thigh had been pressed against Kate's and he'd had to take a deep breath to center himself.

She'd turned to him and whispered into his ear, "You okay, Castle?" and he'd breathed in her scent.

Well. Fine. He had been so hesitant, but he was tired of holding back. Kate had been pressed against him, and her hair was tickling against his throat and he was determined to enjoy the evening. Hell, if Kate was going to be pressing against him like that (she hadn't looked like she minded their proximity at all) he'd doubted if he would be able to let anyone else have a dance all night. "I'm good," he'd whispered back, pressing his leg a little closer to hers.

The music had started, and the bridesmaids had made their way down the aisle, closely followed by Jenny. Kate had sighed a very un-Beckett like sigh of contentment, turning her head to take them in. She'd tucked her left arm back in to his right, and Castle had startled, and then smiled. He'd entwined his free hand in hers, and looked away from Jenny, up to Ryan, who was watching his bride coming toward him. There had been an unmanly shine to Ryan's eyes and he had nudged Kate, and she'd looked up at their friend too.

"He looks so happy," she'd breathed in his ear, and he'd nodded back at her.

They had a lot standing in their way, still, but he'd been certain for the first time in a long time that they were going to get there. He was suddenly sure that one day it would be him up there, watching as Kate made her way toward him. He couldn't wait.

* * *

When Kate returns to the loft that evening, Castle's dressed. She's never going to know he'd mooched the day away in his boxers, only deigning to shower at four this afternoon. "How did your writing go?" she asks him.

"Good," he lies. "Just chilling out now, playing a few more levels of this game." Because that's his plan. Just a few more levels. Of course, that had been his plan this morning too. He'd tried to shake himself out of his funk, promised himself that if Beckett thought he was writing, he'd write. He'd gotten two paragraphs down before pulling out the game. Ugh. He wishes he had gone to the precinct with her this morning, distracted himself instead of sinking further into his haze of turmoil.

"Nikki?" she asks. "Or Derrick?"

He lifts his eyes from the screen, glancing at her as he replies. "Nikki-" he starts, but she'll catch him in that lie; she asks for a lot more details when it comes to her alter ego. "Nikki was what I wanted to write, but yeah-" He casts his eyes back to the screen. "In the end, I got some Derrick done."

"Okay." She regards him for a second. "I'm gonna order in. How long do you think you'll be with the game?"

"Not long," he promises her.

By the time he's done with the game she's pissed off and hurt, and they're called out to a crime scene before he can explain and apologize. He knows she feels rejected but he doesn't know how to fix it. At least he doesn't dream tonight.

* * *

Castle wakes the next morning after sleeping a solid eight hours. He's faintly embarrassed that he had let a mere dream affect him for an entire day; he feels like the worst partner ever. And then the whole last supper argument; truly, everything had gone from bad to worse yesterday, starting with the nightmare. It had just been so... not real, because it had been a Daliesque horror show. But been awfully vivid. So freaking vivid.

He stretches and presses a kiss to Kate's cheek. She's still asleep; she'd been huddled up yesterday when he'd joined her in bed and she'd tensed up when he'd wrapped an arm around her.

Memories from the last year flash through his mind. When Tyson had approached him in the cell that night, he'd thought the worst of his nightmares was coming true. He still wonders from time to time about Tyson; he doesn't believe for a second that 3XK is dead. He wonders idly if the fear he's been feeling is how Kate had felt when Tyson had threatened his life late last year. Huh.

He sits up, breathing more easily as it becomes clearer. Of course it is. He's been so tied up with what he's going through that he's forgotten to listen to Kate, really work out what's going on in her head.

"_Don't ever do something like that again without me,"_ she'd said, when he and Alexis had returned from Paris.

Maybe he's been going about this all wrong; trying to hide the worst of his weaknesses and faults from his girlfriend. Instead, he should trust Kate, and trust their relationship.

It was kind of ironic, really, that seeing Kate in danger in the apartment across the road had been so healing. His love for Kate had more than canceled out any of the fear he'd felt; the sheer thought and effort that had gone into the birthday surprise had only impressed him.

No, if there had been any regrets that night, it had only been that in his haste to get across the street and 'save' his girlfriend, he hadn't had time to get the ring from his office.

He has a ring. He has a plan. He's got this. Castle smiles wryly, trying to convince himself. He just has to put last night's disaster out of his mind; hope that when Beckett wakes up she's forgiven him. Her phone buzzes, and she stirs, reaching out sleepily for the phone on the nightstand.

"Beckett." Castle listens to Kate's end of the call. "Evidence," she clarifies when she hangs up. She gets out of bed and reaches for her robe without kissing him good morning, and he winces.

It's going to be harder than he'd hoped, to undo yesterday's damage. He sighs, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He's not quite sure how to undo the damage done, to start with he's going to try to not piss her off today. But first things first; it's seven in the morning. He's going to make Beckett a coffee.

* * *

**A/N: One more weekend until the real thing- can't believe I'm almost wishing my precious weekend away! Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you're so inclined- my thank yous have been pretty sporadic and I wish that hadn't been the case. I appreciate everything that makes its way to my inbox. And Kylie and Trish for the look through- needed and appreciated!**


	8. Chapter 8

Castle had been so burnt out when he met Kate. He'd killed off Derrick Storm in a mixture of boredom and an attempt to sever ties with both Gina and his party boy image. He hadn't had a clue what his next step was, though, until Detective Kate Beckett had walked into that book launch party, and into his life.

He's changed in the last four years; people have commented, and he knows it's true. And a lot of that is because of Kate Beckett; more than she must realize. She has healed him, given his life a depth and meaning that he's never had before, and he's figured it out; she _needs_ to know. He's been there for her throughout the years as they've chased down her mother's case. First, as a friend, then partner, and finally lover, but he has never let her know what she does for him, what he needs from her.

"'_Be with Kate'? That's your number one? When did you write this?"_

"_What like, three years ago?" Castle grins as he realizes. "Oh! I can cross that one off!"_

Castle sighs as he remembers the conversation. He'd had the ring, of course, and he was so very much in love, but he'd just gotten Alexis back. His mind had been all over the place. As great as it had been to work such a distracting case, he'd really fallen for the idea that the DVD was haunted. It made as much sense as anything else, and he was preoccupied, unwilling to discuss his bucket list further.

He'd followed her into the bedroom, sending prayers of thanks to whatever higher being had seen to Kate's playfulness. She'd been in bed already by the time he'd crossed the threshold, naked beneath the covers, glass of ice still in her hand. He'd stared for a moment before slowly stripping off and joining her; watching her watch him as she played with a piece of ice between her lips, the tip of her tongue darting out occasionally.

He'd joined her beneath the blankets, aroused, and still slightly bewildered that she was truly here with him. Fleeting thoughts had been pushed aside, and it was only as they lay there in a haze afterward that he had allowed his mind to tumble down the rabbit hole.

"_Really, Castle?" Kate had asked, as she lay in his arms. "You put that on your bucket list three years ago?"_

"_Uh-huh," he'd replied, but he'd been distracted, and he'd missed what she was asking, hadn't realized until much later that she was asking whether he'd been in it for the long haul all that time, or if she really was a number to be crossed off a list._

Would she still want to be with him when she realized all of his shortcomings? When she knew he was the kind of man who took shortcuts? The kind of man man who could wallow in his own darkness and self doubt?

He sighs, as he realizes just what steps she's taken to ensure that he knows she wants to be with him. "_I love you_" doesn't come easy to Beckett, he knows that, and he's been taking that at face value; assuming that if she's not ready to say the words, she's not there yet. He's been doubting her since Christmas, second guessing her intentions, but a girlfriend doesn't plan a fake murder for her mystery writer boyfriend if she's not in it for the long haul.

She'd whispered the words when he got back from Paris, late at night as they lay in bed. Until now, he'd figured she'd said it because she thought he was asleep. But she'd told him over and over that she liked him… _more_. Told him that his wild theories were one of the things she loved about him even as she laughed to herself and played him further with her elaborate set-up.

He always thought she found her strength in solitude, but he realizes now; if that was ever true; if it was ever anything more than a defense mechanism, it's certainly not true now. He's in her veins, and she's in his.

He should have been down on bended knee months ago.

Besides, she'd changed her plans at Christmas. She'd agreed with him that it was time for new traditions, but he hadn't been ready to hear her then; he'd only focused on his own forlorn feelings, instead of hearing her properly. "_Me too," _Kate had said and it's taken him months, but he suddenly gets it. It wasn't a single change to the precinct roster, she was letting him in. He's scoffing at himself now; he's missed so very many signs. She's asked, over and over, for clarification. "_What happens if you don't let me look?"_

"_Are we dating?"_ she had asked, just this week, and the idea was already forming in his mind. They'd go to the Hamptons once this case was over. He would ask her then. He'd blown her off, a grin forming on his face as he'd turned away. She'd trailed after him a few minutes later, lain down beside him in bed, and he'd pressed a kiss to the back of her neck as he'd snuggled into her, spooning her thin frame.

He'd been smiling against her, breathing in her scent, and he had run his hands along her side, trying to tease the tension from her body. She'd fallen asleep eventually, and he'd followed her into slumber, but it was only now that he realized; her tension hadn't been a result of the case. It had been his fault. He'd been listening to her subtext for so long he'd forgotten to just listen. "_Castle? Where are we going?"_

Castle looks up across the park. Kate's stepped out from her cruiser, and she's walking toward him. He's struck with a sudden hope, and a love that overwhelms him. There's so much to Beckett. Her humility. Her joy. Her grace. She makes him more than he was, makes him whole. He closes his eyes briefly, casting his mind back to when he'd first met Kate; he'd quickly realized she was more than a mere conquest, but he'd never imagined this. Not back then. He'd never figured on getting married again. Now, though, he's in this for keeps.

* * *

"Exactly how many times have you been married Castle?"

"Twice."

"That's it?"

Castle had raised an eyebrow. Twice, and never again, he'd guessed. He wasn't exactly proud of having exited two failed marriages, but being divorced was certainly preferable to having remained with either of his ex-wives. "Isn't that _enough_? How about you?"

"Me? No. Never been."

"Really?" He'd shrugged. He wasn't sure exactly how old Beckett was- younger than him, certainly- but she was stunning. He would have imagined she would have dating prospects beating down her door. Then again, she'd turned him down; maybe he shouldn't take it personally. Maybe she turned everybody down. Maybe she hadn't dated in years. Maybe-

His thoughts had been cut off when Beckett had replied with a terse nod. "Yep."

He'd snorted inwardly a little. Right now her reproachful expression matched the one Gina had given him whenever he was off on a tangent. "You'd be good at it," he'd told her. "You're both controlling and disapproving. You should really try it."

"I'm not an 'if at first you don't succeed' kind of a girl, Castle. When it comes to marriage I'm more of a 'one and done' type." Wow. Burn. Okay then, maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe she didn't turn everyone down, but she was more cautious than he'd initially guessed. It made sense, he'd figured, quickly reassessing. Her suggestive tone- _you have no idea-_ had echoed in his head, the sway of her hips as she'd walked away had imprinted itself on his brain; his initial assessment had been right after all. She knew exactly what she could do to a man and he'd suddenly realized he wasn't the only one to have been left a puddle of want at Beckett's hand.

He'd wanted to know more. "Hmm, any serious candidates?" He'd smirked though. Whoever else she had turned down in the past? Well, they weren't here now, consulting on cases, were they?

* * *

He's having an out of body experience. That's the only way he can describe it. He's looking down at himself, sitting on the swing, watching the fear and anguish on his own face, watching the pain in Kate's expression, as if he's an independent observer.

"We both deserve more," he tells her. This is it. The lead in, the beginning. He doesn't know how he's still sitting in that swing; he's that nervous and all he can see is the hesitancy on Kate's face. Does she think he's going to ask her to stay in New York?

"I agree."

He stumbles on before she can say anything else. It's already a blur. He's in the moment, and it's a blur. His heart is pounding; he's never been this serious in his life, and certainly never more terrified. "So whatever happens, whatever you decide… Katherine Houghton Beckett-" He drops from the swing onto his knee on the ground before her. "Will you marry me?"

Kate's looking at the ground and now that he has the words out, he can breathe again. She gasps, a thin sort of choking sound, followed by a… moan? A groan? And a sharp intake of air, like a squeak?

"Are you- _crying_?" Castle's sitting there utterly bewildered, because this was _not_ how this moment was supposed to go.

At last Kate looks up at him, wide eyed, tears streaming down her face. "Ma- _marry_ you?" She half hiccups, and he realizes she's somewhere between laughter and tears. "Castle- I thought you were _breaking up with me_!"

"What?" Shit. No. No. "No," he manages. "No, no. Never. Never, never."

Kate wipes at her face, an ineffective sweep of her hand that leaves her lashes heavy with tears. "Castle?" she asks, and he smiles back at her, reaching out and pushing the hair out of her face. She bites her lip, and their eyes lock. "Are you really… asking?"

He nods, and her eyes widen. "Katherine Beckett," he says again. "Kate. I'm… not breaking up with you. I'm not asking you to choose between me and a job. We deserve more… more from each other, more from ourselves. So yeah…" Castle pauses, smiling broadly. "I'm asking you to marry me."

* * *

**A/N: ********Thanks so much for reading, and happy season six everyone- we'll know the "real" answer in the next few days or so, depending on time zones! **

**I wrote a great deal of the proposal scene well before I had seen any spoilers, back when I was trying to process Watershed. I had thought my post Watershed fic would be exactly that, post. It sat there for most of hiatus though, and as I read through a number of other fics reacting to Watershed, I lost all need to write my own, until I got struck with this ridiculous ambition two weeks ago… there were so many more episodes I could have included, but I had to stop somewhere and I wanted it done before hiatus finished!**

**Two weeks of proper writing, eight chapters, almost 14k words, and two betas who I think are still talking to me- thanks Trish and Kylie! ********Mwah! x**


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